Fish License
by Lesietta Wehs
Summary: Monty Python hit by Star Wars.. Sidious trys to get a fish license


# It's…

****

A parody of…

# The Fish License Sketch

Author: Lesietta Wehs aka LP

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python or Star Wars. I am just borrowing them for a bit.

Note: Special thanks to Nemesis Kenobi for suggesting this skit and helping with who should be what.

****

I have no idea what episode the Fish License sketch is from. All I know is its from Monty Python's Flying Circus.

The customer is played by Sidious, and Shop Keeper, although not THE Darth Maul, happens to have the same name.

Sidious: [Hello, I would like to buy a fish license, please.][1]

Darth Maul: A what? 

Sidious: A license for my pet fish, Darth Maul. 

Darth Maul: How did you know my name was Darth Maul? 

Sidious: No no no, my fish's name is Darth Maul, Darth Maul the fish. He's an halibut. 

Darth Maul: What? 

Sidous: He is...an...halibut. 

Darth Maul: [You've got a pet halibut? ][2]

Sidious: Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat. 

Darth Maul: You must be a looney.

Sidious: I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Han Solo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Aura Sing, the lady bounty hunter, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Mara Jade has two pikes, both called Chris, and Queen Amidala had an haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside! 

Darth Maul: Alright, alright, alright. A license. 

Sidious: Yes. 

Darth Maul: For a fish. 

Sidious: Yes. 

Maul: You are a looney. 

Sidious: Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Darth Maul, and I've got a license for me pet cat Darth Maul... 

Maul: You don't need a license for your cat. 

Sidious: I bleeding well do and I got one. He can't be called Darth Maul without it-- 

Maul: There's no such thing as a bloody cat license. 

Sidious: Yes there is! 

Maul: Isn't! 

Sidious: Is! 

Maul: Isn't! 

Sidious: I bleeding got one, look! What's that then? 

Maul: [This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon. ][3]

Sidious: The man didn't have the right form. 

Maul: What man? 

Sidious: The man from the cat detector speeder. 

Maul: The looney detector speeder, you mean.

Sidious: [Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.][4]

Maul: What cat detector speeder? 

Sidious: The cat detector speeder from the Ministry of Housinge. 

Maul: Housinge? 

Sidious: It was spelt like that on the speeder. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards! And Darth Maul, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake. 

Maul: How much did you pay for this? 

Sidious: Sixty credits, and eight for the fruit-bat. 

Maul: What fruit-bat? 

Sidious: Darth Maul the fruit-bat. 

Maul: Are all your pets called Darth Maul? 

Sidious: There's nothing so odd about that: Qui-Gon Jinn had an entire menagerie called Abdul! 

Maul: No he didn't! 

Sidious: Did! 

Maul: Didn't! 

Sidious: Did, did, did, did, did and did! 

Maul: Oh, all right. 

Sidious: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license? 

Maul: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one. 

Sidious: In that case, give me a sith license. 

Maul: [A license for your pet sith? ][5]

Sidious: Yes. 

Maul: Called Darth Maul? Darth Maul the Sith? 

Sidious: No. 

Maul: No? 

Sidious: No, Darth Maul the Half-Sith. He had an accident.

Maul: You're off your chump. 

Sidious: Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Darth Maul the Half-Sith, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Darth Maul the orchestra leader!....... 

A one... two.... A one.. two.. three..four... 

__

[piano intro] 

Half a sith, philosophically, must, ipso facto, half not be.  
But half the sith  
has got to be,  
vis a vis  
its entity - do you see? 

But can a sith  
be said to be  
or not to be  
an entire sith  
when half the sith  
is not a bee  
due to some ancient injury? 

Singing... 

La dee dee, 1 2 3,  
Darth Maul the half a sith.  
A B C D E F G,  
Darth Maul the half a sith. 

Is this retched demi-sith,  
half asleep upon my knee,  
some freak from a menagerie?  
No! It's Darth Maul the half a sith.

Fiddle dee dum,  
Fiddle dee dee,  
Darth Maul the half sith. 

Ho ho ho,  
Tee hee hee,  
Darth Maul the half a sith. 

I love this Dark Side employee-ee-ee (with saber humming in background)  
bisected accidentally  
one summer afternoon by me  
I love him carnally. 

He loves him carnally... _[together]_  
...semi-carnally 

__

[spoken] 

The end 

'Cyril Connelly?'  
No! 'Semi-carnally'  
Oh!

Cyril Connelly _[sung softly and slowly]_****

   [1]: /sounds/sketches/license.wav
   [2]: /sounds/sketches/halibut.wav
   [3]: /sounds/sketches/detector.wav
   [4]: /sounds/sketches/unrest.wav
   [5]: /sounds/sketches/accident.wav



End file.
